Don’t climb the wall

You have (no doubt) been in a conversation and noticed when the wall goes up.

Choosing not to climb the wall is a leadership move. It’s an opportunity that presents itself over and over, and has the cumulative effect of reducing a city of walls to rubble.

I’ll use an excerpt from a conversation that a friend recently told me about where he and his boss were discussing the way an announcement in their company was made.

A small preamble to this is that my friend has the utmost respect for his boss, they have known each other for many years, and socialize together also.


F: “I wanted to mention that I felt like an outsider when that announcement came out, I wish I would have had a heads up by you personally rather than reading it in a memo”


B: “I made the announcement in the staff meeting yesterday, and when we were talking the other day, I meant to tell you, but it didn’t feel private enough, you know I always take you into consideration on this kind of stuff”.


That was the wall.

The conversation predictably went into the two talking about how they like each other, and how one would not slight the other intentionally… this kind of talking is in code, it sounds like “I…” “We always…” “You know I…” “I didn’t mean…”We’re…” words that include you and I, and are probably meant to serve some ancient cultural hangover meaning I’m not going to hurt you.

The intriguing thing about this conversation is that it had the potential to move them both forward. They could have both felt fulfilled and engaged in a meaningful relationship. Friend could have walked away feeling understood and relieved that Boss listened to his (not so good) feelings about the boss’s actions. Boss could have walked away feeling thankful that Friend had the respect for him that he would say how he was feeling, and that he had the opportunity to show Friend he did care by listening to and understanding his feelings.

Instead, Friend spent his energy describing this frustration to me, and probably others (especially co-workers who understand the dynamics). As a one-off, no big deal, but cumulatively, these conversations influence how Friend will feel about Boss and ultimately, the company. And I speculate (based on my own experience of being “Boss”, and acting exactly like “Boss” did) that Boss felt bad about his actions affecting someone he really likes, and wishing he had handled it differently. When that happens as a one- off, it’s no big deal. But when it is a well-worn path, Boss reinforces feelings of inadequacy by knowing (at least subconsciously) that Friend was not satisfied.

“The wall” is an entry point into a different kind of conversation, and the good news is - walls are in lots of our conversations!

So what is the leadership move?

Here is one idea…

Silence.

Right now, pretend you are in that conversation and just be silent. Notice what you were doing with your face? Think a thought, and notice your face.

Pretty cool, right?
The important thing about this kind of silence is your facial expression, and don’t worry about remembering this because your face will be the focal point of your attention.

Think about what you want to convey without speaking in this moment, and your face will do the talking. Here is one to try on. ”I want to understand, I need to hear more?”

I’m suggesting that you give this a try, and know that it will be tough to sit there, and not say anything. Allow your conversation partner to pick up where they put the wall up. Force yourself not to talk, and choose the thoughts that are going to show up on your face.

The point is… when you are aware the is wall going up, make a choice not to climb it. And an even bigger point (one I’m not trying to make here) is about being aware.

Don’t climb the wall is a powerful leadership move. It is an opportunity - possibly 100’s of small opportunities to take the lead in a small way that cumulatively influences a culture. This is the power of a conversation; it’s a small exchange, one that could happen 100 times in a day. Cumulatively, these conversations are our culture.
There are other ways to redirect a conversation that has the potential to do harm, there are volumes written on the subject. This is one way, and a powerful way to lead a conversation towards a positive outcome.